Sunday, January 16, 2011

When Fashion Tries to Fuck You

This poor girl has no idea she looks like shit. That's because when draped cardigans took off, no one told her handkerchief hems on a black ribbed cardigan make you look like a witch's vagina.

There are times when fashion can be your best friend. But then there are times when maybe your best friend has had too much to drink, and he tries to fuck you. Here are a few things to look out for when navigating some highly prevalent trends right now.

Let's get this over with. I'm all for slouchy tops, but this upside down U-shaped hem is like adding 15 pounds straight to your ass. It's not scientific, but Albert Einstein would probably speculate the "wings" on each side give the illusion of wider hips; thus making the ass 2 weeks of Chipotle bigger. To avoid the dreaded pear shape, aim for a straighter hem, or even one that ducktails in the back.

What the fuck is this chick so happy about? This racerback tank by Trina Turk is a perfect example of fashion trying to fuck you. Somehow, Trina Turk found a way to incorporate leopard print, the uber trendy bandeau, and white lace all in one hideous witch's brew. If you insist on wearing white lace, wear a flesh-colored bandeau or black bra. Just remember: white on white is the fashion equivalent of AIDS.

And same logics applies here. In fact, this brings me to a larger grievance. Since the popularity of the lace/sheer/draped racerback, it seems like I've seen more bra straps than a European tourist at Disney Land. Invest in a bandeau, people, or get a racerback bra. Or wear a jacket. There ARE solutions. I swear to God, if I catch you wearing a regular bra with a racerback tank, be prepared to get punched in the titty.

I know I sung the praises of a very similar sweater a few weeks ago, but this knockoff shredded sweater is a piece of shit. Manufactured by a brand called "Material Girl" at Macy's (where fashion trends go to die), this lazy, ill-fitting, and totally awkward reproduction seems to think some anarchy should come with a fitted white camisole. I mean, who the hell styled this? You show me a cool, avant guarde trend circulating the independent Los Angeles scene, and I'll show you a watered down, corporate, and completely antithetical knock off: that's the magic of Macy's. ©

Nautical stripes are a win! Over-sized, square construction is money! But cropped above-the-bellybutton tops are so, so, so not worth getting punched in the titty over. The fact is: unless you're wearing a cropped top with something high-waisted, you really should avoid this look. It's just uncouth and this is coming from somebody who condoned nipple blazing. Even this handsome lady with the flat stomach would look pretty unfortunate hunched over in a restaurant, creating a pooch by virtue of sitting. Don't do it.

-Sabrina London