The notion first struck me when I needed to model a vintage sweater with skinny jeans. Since the invention of jeggings, I had let my closet-wrack-bending pile of True Religions get dusty. I grabbed a pair and tried them on when a truly shocking thing happened: they did not kind of, sort of, even a little bit fit me. I snatched another pair, thinking maybe the last pair just shrunk in the wash. That can happen, right?!
As I jerked up my sad little skinny jeans, my ass protested, "Not in this lifetime!"
"But Ass," I said, "It was in this lifetime! These were my college jeans."
"You didn't get the memo?" my Ass said. "That was 2 years ago!"
"Ass, that's not a terribly long time. What happened to you? You used to fit in those size 28 Sevens. Don't fuck with me. I have photos."
"What do you want me to say?" my Ass sighed (not a fart). "You got married. Time passed. You work from home now. Shit happens."
"That's easy for you to say!" I shot back, hurt. "But shit doesn't happen to me! None of these jeans fit - not even the ones that used to be baggy because I impulsively ordered them from NeimanMarcus.com!"
"To be fair, I didn't ask you to do that," my Ass shrugged. "I'd be a happy-pappy if you just wore your old Juicy Couture velour track pants. Those always fit."
"How many times do I have to tell you: THEY'RE OUT OF STYLE. NO ONE likes Juicy Couture anymore. Not even the creators."
"I'm just sayin."
It was at this point in the conversation, I had a weird epiphany that hadn't quite clicked yet. I wasn't in college any more. I am 23, married, self-employed, living in Los Angeles and very much not in school. So why have I been dressing like I am?
I decided right then and there all these jeans had to go. And as I scoured my tops/blouses, it became clear I really stopped giving a shit about "designer" as soon as I moved to LA and realized you could buy used "designer" in a Buy/Sell/Trade for dirt cheap. It just wasn't special anymore. I bought my silver strappy Manolo Blahnik wedding shoes for $35 at Wasteland. That's not a big deal here.
So I'm reinventing my wardrobe, one week at a time. Every week, I plan to buy a new article of clothing and throw an old one away, until I can eventually replace everything with a completely new style. I'd like to go more Vintage Nouveau meets Angelino Urban Rock star chic. A mix of contemporary and vintage. This is definitely me.
So let the reinvention begin.
Yours in Jesus Christ our Savior, the Spaghetti Monster,